I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
