Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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