my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
