Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
