Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
