If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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