then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
