So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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