Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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