none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
