3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
