We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
