new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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