Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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