I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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