just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
