a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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