Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
