Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
