Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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