i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
