4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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