No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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