If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
