broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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