i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
