i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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