Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
