when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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