if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
