headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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