hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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