sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
there is puke in my bra ... again
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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