look no pants
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
