a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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