At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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