why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
