Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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