yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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