i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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