Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
