I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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