On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
