If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
