Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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