tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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