I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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