considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon