I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
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I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.