he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.