Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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