hell yes lets make some ravioli
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again