does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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