why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
