Porn is love you can see.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
