i can't believe i had my finger in that
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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