90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
