You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
