you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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