DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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