After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
