Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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