I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
