I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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