Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
