No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
