i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
