There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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